Thursday, September 25, 2014

Be Happy Today (a personal post about pregnancy after miscarriage)

This is a personal post about my experience with pregnancy after miscarriage.  However; I think some of these same feelings could apply to any type of loss or disappointment and our desire to reduce that sadness by reducing our happiness.

After years of trying to get pregnant and going through infertility treatments we were finally blessed with two children via IUI.  Our first was born in December 2002 and our second was born in September 2004.  

So imagine our surprise when I became naturally pregnant in 2007.   After years of trying to get pregnant, surely I would have no problem staying pregnant.  I was wrong.  Sadly that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.  I was devastated and depressed.

Over time, I felt better and things got better.  Still wanting more children, we began to pursue the route of adoption.  I had accepted the fact that I may never bear another child and I was at peace with that.

So once again imagine our surprise when we found out we had naturally gotten pregnant in 2010.

This time things were different, I was different.  

Having experienced a miscarriage had dampened the joy of this pregnancy.  I mean what if ‘it’ happened again.  I couldn’t let myself get too happy, I couldn’t go through that disappointment again.  As if sadness is inversely proportionate to happiness. 

I kept my feelings in check and worried all throughout that pregnancy that something would go wrong.  I didn’t even want to take pictures of my pregnant self.  I think I only have 2, one being the day I went into the hospital to deliver.  In fact the day of delivery, I was certain something would go wrong.  When my healthy baby girl was born, I couldn't believe it and even wondered what was wrong with her. 

I had clouded that entire pregnancy worrying about the what ifs.  I never allowed myself to feel full joy and happiness because of some possible tragedy that might occur in the future.  It took me a couple of years (which included another miscarriage) to come to this point but now as I look back I realize that reducing my happiness and excitement of the moment, I wasn’t sparing myself pain, I was only preventing myself from feeling happy. 

I don’t want to do that again.  I want to enjoy the moment.  To feel happy, excited and joy when those emotions should be felt.  Yes, pain may come, but it will not be decreased by dampening our happiness.  Reducing happiness will not reduce pain.   I don’t want to miss out on life’s joys because I’m too scared of what might happen later.  I want to love today, I want to be happy today.

I originally wrote this post months ago after finding out that I was pregnant with our 4th child.  It's taken me a while to get up the courage to share my feelings and personal experience, but I do think it's important to share.  I've been much happier this pregnancy, and loving it, and not worrying (so much).  I truly am choosing to be happy and it feels so good to share this happiness with others.

If you are interested in reading more stories from women about miscarriage, still birth and baby loss; here is a link called Breaking the Silence.  
"We speak and we write and we share not only for ourselves (though it is a balm), but also for the ones who will come after us and who will need light in their dark hour."

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